IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

One happy evening in the land of vegetation, a boy mushroom had a date with a girl mushroom. At around 7, the boy mushroom picked up his date and they headed to the movies. After that, the boy mushroom took the girl mushroom and they had pizza. The night ended with a a hug and a kiss. Upon reaching her doorstep, the girl mushroom says, "We should do this again. You're a real fungi."

Two sperms were swimming around. One says to the other, "Hey, are we to the fallopian tubes yet?" The other says, "Are you crazy? We're still in the esophagus."

One early weekday, Mr. Johnson decided to take his anatomy class to an interview with a well known and quite sucessful professor. The students arrived and gathered in a large group. The professor was displaying a corpse on a table.
"Listen well students. There are two things you must achieve in order to be as successful as I have been. First of all, you must never be afraid to do anything." Once he said this, he took his finger and shoved it up the anus of the corpse. He pulled his finger out and licked it. The students cringed. "Now class, I would like everyone to line up and do the same." Without a choice, the class lined up and one by one, they all repeated the same process. "Very well done. Now, the second most important thing you must remember, is to be observant. If you were watching closely, I stuck my index finger up the anus, but licked my middle finger."

why did the chicken cross the road???



-to get $5 from her babies daddy!!!!!


>>

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

what is so good about 29 year olds?






there is 20 of them.

A cow, a chicken, and a goat walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Oldies but goodies:

A pirate walks into a bar and he has a tiny steering wheel sticking out of his pants. When the bartender inevitably comments on the tiny steering wheel, the pirate says, "Aarrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. The psychiatrist asks, "May I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

A man wrapped completely in Saran wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office. The doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

This post has been edited by shaunrichard: Jul 10, 2008 - 9:21 AM

If Nissan Motorsport International Limited is NISMO then what is Honda Motorsports?





















HOMO

>

wouldnt it be HONMO?

aggghhh dude you ruined it.. lolz

>
Totaly Ruined it.




Okay, so this kid is getting ready for a big date with his girlfriend of several years. They've been talking, and it's finaly time to "do it" So the young man goes to the Pharmacy to buy some condoms. He explains to the pharmacist that he really doesn't know what he's looking for, as this is his and his girlfriends first time. So the Pharmacist helps him with all his question, Gets him the proper rubbers, and several information pamphlets; Plus a few dirty secrets for pleasing his girlfriend.

So the boy heads over to his girlfriends house, And her parents invite him into the house for dinner before they set off for their date. The boy sits at the table and they all bow their heads to say grace, after a moment the parents begin eating. They boy still has his head bowed, and stays like this for several minitues; until the girlfriend says "Gee, I had no idea you were so Religious" to witch the boy replied, "Gee, i had no idea your dad was a pharmacist"

Well i'm sorry that it didnt make sense

my turn..

q: How did the country know Eliot Spitzer was a Democrat?
a: He was caught with a woman.


"I put my ex-husband through medical school," a blonde said
"Thats nothing. I made my ex-husband a millionaire" a redhead said
"Really? the blonde asked. "What was he before that?"
The redhead said "A billionaire

Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"
"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.
"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."
The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, 'B*tch you ruined my life!"

>
because the dad was the pharmacist Sheesh, both paragraphs are one joke, it's split up to make it easerier to read. Try again...

>
I LOL'd my ass off

...((wipes tear))... so funny... so true...

i was talking about me "ruining" the joke. Sheeshhh

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well…, I…I think I need a heart."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"

"Uhh…is Dorothy here?"

this should be alright cuz im not saying anything wrong IMO. im flip so it should be G.


whats the fastest animal on earth???


black dog being chased by a group of filipinos

This post has been edited by 808celica: Jul 13, 2008 - 4:12 AM