A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

This post has been edited by thedevilmaycrie: Mar 24, 2005 - 5:04 PM

lol.....i wonder what would the cab driver be thinking lol.. >>

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

2 blonds walking down the road near the rye field. And they see another blond in rye field whering a boat....

One blond says: look, becose of such stupid blondes like this one in boat, we all look stupid...

Another replys: yeaa, if only i could swim, i would swim over her and i would kick this Biatch arse...

___________________________________________________________

Walks hedgehog in the woods, suddenly he founds something. He looks at it, sniffs it, puts a piece in his mouth and goes like; TFUUuuuu...... it is a $hit!!!!!!!!!! Thanks god i didnt steped in!!!

___________________________________________________________

Walks hedgehog on the desert, meets camel... Hedgehog ask camel:
-hey you stupid, it must be too much glaze on the road here, right?
Camel:
-what, why???
Hedgehog:
Why why..... why do you put so much sand all over here?

___________________________________________________________

I don't drink any more....






....course, I don't drink any less either.

This is a Memo i sent out to my employess here at work. It's a very serious matter.


Dress Code



...It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your
salary.
...If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
..If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need
a raise.
...If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days Sick In Bed

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling
in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy!

Lunch Break

...Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy.
...Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
...Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.



Quit Your Complaining!!!



Your IBM Management.
Pablo *****

A girl turns to her mother and asks "mommy - babies come out of where he puts his pee pee right?" the mother doesnt know how to respond but just says "yes dear" the daughter then responds with "wouldnt that knock her teeth out?"


my mom read that one in playboy and thought it was funny!


my fave one is


how do you know when its bed time at Michael Jacksons house?
- when the big hand touches the little hand


whats michael jacksons favorite whine?
- isnt it bed time yet?!

how do you know when Michael Jackson has a date?
- when a big wheel is parked in the driveway

not funny natalie. didnt you hear michael jackson is in the hospital for a stomach flu.





apparently he ate a nine year old weiner

BWAH HAHAAHA

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

HAAHAHHAHAHA

-blkGT+Mar 24, 2005 - 3:33 PM
hahahahahahahaha

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in. And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!" And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

-I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

-A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

-During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

-One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

-Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

-I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

-I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

-I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

-When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

-I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

-I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

-Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

-My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

-I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

-I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

-I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

-RIP Rodney Dangerfield

During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the Good Book.”

A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?”

Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, “Oh, here it is: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’”

>> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>
A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”
>> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by emale sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "sports bar" in the yellow pages.

there are two fish in a tank.

One fish turns to the other fish and says....

...Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?

A man works for a construction company and gets transferred to a project in the middle of the desert. The company transports the workers out to the desert from a nearby town where they stay for weeks on end. After a few nights in the desert, the man is really missing his regular attention from the ladies so he asks his supervisor if he could borrow a car to go into town. His supervisor replies that no vehicles are available and that someone would be there to pick the workers up in six weeks. The supervisor reminded the man that the nearest town was 50 miles away and offered his apologies to the man. Deflated, the man accepts the explanation and goes back to his tent.

Several days later, the urges are much greater so he approaches his supervisor again. Again, the supervisor gives the same response. Pleading, the man explains that he hasn't been with a woman in over a week and that if he does not have the opportunity to do so quickly, he is going to go crazy. The supervisor thinks long and hard and tries to size the man and his situation up. Finally, he says, come over here behind this tent. The man follows the supervisor. He says:

"Look, this kind of problem often happens to guys when they are out here." There are no women around here so we do what we have to relieve ourselves."

"What exactly do you mean?", says the man.

"Well" replies the supervisor in a very low voice, "if you get REALLY desperate, there is always that camel over there" wherein he points to a camel tied up to a cactus.

The man is astounded and offended but, because the suggestion came from his supervisor, he politely replied "I couldn't possibly" in the most respecful way. His supervisor replied: "Well if you ever change your mind, shes always tied up right here just for that purpose."

Several more weeks go by.

One night when everyone is asleep, the man can't sleep because of his excited condition and built up energy. He decides that he doesn't care anymore and that if other people had used the camel for pleasure, it must be ok. He jumps out of the tent, grabs an 8ft ladder and places it behind the camel. Once at the top, he pulls down his pants and starts to have his way with her. After only a few minutes, he feels like he is almost ready to explode. Just then, his supervisor walks out from around the corner of the tent and starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What? Am I doing something wrong?" asks the man. "No", replies the supervisor, "You are doing great. Its just that usually the boys just ride the camel into town."

LMFAO that ****'s f**kin funny jgreening..... lol.... imagine someone did that infront of you and actually enjoying the intercourse.... the camel must be having a orgasm lol.... >>

-blkGT+Mar 24, 2005 - 3:33 PM


KYEL HOLY CRAP! How are you? What have you been up to?

A millionaire was having a huge party at his estate. He stopped the
band from playing to make an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have
lived a full good life, and now challenge anybody here to a dare. I
will give up my estate to anybody who has the guts to jump into my third
swimming pool which holds two great white sharks, and swim across it. If
you can complete this stunt and live, the estate is all yours. At that
moment a big splash was heard, and everybody turned towards the third
pool to see the butler swimming feverously to the other end. Both sharks
were swimming towards him with their jaws open. The butler barely made out
alive. The surprised millionaire said, "Oh my God, you did it! I am a
man of my word, the estate is all yours! You're a rich man now. What do
you got to say for yourself, how about a few words?" The butler panting
hard answered, after catching his breath, "I just want to know which one
of you a$$holes pushed me in the pool"

A man walked into a quiet bar.

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his
left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with
the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man
with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks.

There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one
another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your
name?"

Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and
said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," SHE said, "my name is Puddles."

"And don't even ask what kind of day I've had."

Its sucha bad joke but what the hell.....

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

-He forgot to wrap his whopper....

Heheh.. I laughed my ass off th first time I heard that

A man enjoying a few drinks in a bar leaned over to the bar teneder and said "I bet you $500 that I can piss in that spitune across the room without spilling a drop." Since the man was obviously inebriated the bartender accepted his bet. The man proceedes to unzip his pants and let loose. He pissed all over the bartender, customers, strippers... etc. Everything was drenched by the time he was done. When he was finished he puts his junk away and forks over the $500 dollars with a huge smile on his face. The bartender, laughing hystericaly, happily takes the urine soaked cash from the man. As the man is walking away as happy as can be, the bartender asks "What are you so happy about? You just lost $500." The man replies "Yeah, but I bet my friend outside $1000 that I could walk in here and piss all over you and you wouldn't care at all."

Birth Control:
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Johnny and Jenny
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll
need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

No Disguise is Good Enough:
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

The Pharmacist:
This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

-Akimbo+Mar 24, 2005 - 5:50 PM


im good, how are you ryan?